Long Time No Say

I have long been away from cyperspace stuck in the realities of beeping IV machines, fluorescent lights, and caffeine addiction. This is to say, work has been rough lately. Over the past few weeks I have felt more melancholy than usual with a constant negative commentary running through my mind. I have had to remind myself minute by minute that some things just have to be done because it is the right thing to do. Not because I feel like it, not because it's convenient, and not because anyone's going to notice. Some of this is influenced by the fact that I have less than 6 months until graduation... so the novelty has worn off. But, as soon as I let my guard down and am tempted to be lazy, something unexpected happens with a patient or their family members and I learn... once again... that I have a lot to learn. Then, of course, there is the lack of time with family and the pillow that leaves one feeling on edge.

Underneath it all there is a current of disastisfaction causing a churning in the pit of my stomach. I am not who I wish to be in so many ways. Some of those wishes are unrealistic portrayals of perfectionism while others are placed there by the Holy Spirit to create a hunger for Christ-likeness. In the words of Paul, the things I wish to do...I do not do... and those things which I do not wish to do...these I keep on doing. I feel helpless, hopeless in my own power... oh yeah... I am. I have been saved from Hell, but now and daily I need to be saved from myself. How do I get there? How do I surrender?

Hold me Jesus cause I'm shakin' like a leaf. You have been my King of Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace. (Rich Mullins)